A STORY OF A BETRAYED WOMAN WHO WANTS TO REBORN
- JWB Post
- February 10, 2014
A married couple takes vows to share life together with its agonies and joys, pain and sacrifices, frustrations and solutions, moments of exultation and despair, all acting as the rain and sun, thunder and lightning on the young sprout of love. The faults and weaknesses of each one are compensated for by each other. Each possesses what the other lacks. This results in a loving dependence on each other for their growth and transformation.
Extra marital affairs may seem to add a spark in the so called dull married life but it has devastating consequences ranging from severe emotional trauma, shattered self-esteem, broken mutual trust, traumatized kids and elders as well as social dishonoring. Here we share with you a heart-breaking story of one of our readers. We cannot open her name due to obvious reasons.
“I knew something was going wrong since the time I gave birth to my baby. He was very caring and took care of everything but he was getting more engrossed in his work and at times behaved strangely on phone when with family like mumbling or giving incomplete answers. When I found out that he was cheating on me, I told my in-laws about it. It was my in-laws who confronted him and to my shock that he accepted his relationship with his assistant and said that he wanted to marry her. When my in-laws asked why he chose that girl when I his wife was at home? He said that she was different, more modern, more educated and they were mentally more compatible. I was shocked beyond limits. My In-laws asked him to leave their house at once. To my surprise, he left. He left me, our baby for that girl. But I didn’t leave him. Why should I ? He can’t spoil our lives for his so called compatibility. I went to his place where he was living with his so called love and started living with them. I wanted to teach him a lesson. He must know that you cannot cross a river with feet in two different boats. My parents in-law told him that he had to take up all the responsibilities of me and my kid. The so called modern girl could not bear the burden of her lover’s wife and walked out of the house as she was promised that he will marry her after divorcing me but the conditions were going otherwise.
I have still not left my husband and due to family pressure he is unable to leave us . He still takes care of our needs but haven’t left that girl. I am not going to walk out because I have his child and I am his legitimate wife who is loved and supported by everybody in his family, I want to teach him that if you marry a lady then you become her world and if you betray her, you cannot do it so easily. If marriage is sacred for wife then you have to respect it too and if you make it a burden for me than you have to bear it too.
I have now graduated and am working on my higher degree. My kid is also grown up now and understand the whole scene but I have taught him to respect his father. I however have gone through the most unbearable pain of my life and go through it everyday because the man who married me with me only at a superficial level due to pressure but he still meets her, He still wants her. But now I am concentrating more than his betrayal on my career which I overlooked to make his home. I am now becoming independent. I am now able to care less for him and more on me and my family but I often think of that other girl who has spoiled her whole life for such a treacherous man. Why can’t she understand he will never be true to her. The man who could not be true to his wife, his family can never be loyal and true to any other lady.”
We just can’t ignore the pain of this story. And here we want to show a support in an expert advice by Jaipur Women Blog Counselor:
“Relationships are meant to make us grow in life either by love or by a bad experience. Both ways, we must polish ourselves to become a good human being. Considering your case, I believe you should not continue with your husband. Living out of dilemma and with a motive of taking revenge will take you nowhere. This relation has nothing left except formalities. His happiness lies somewhere else and yours, in your child. I am glad seeing you evolve with time. You have become stronger and independent. Happy to see you grow educationally as well. Only thing needed is that you must now stand on your own. You must think of next 5 or 10 years down the line – will you be happy by taking revenge from a person? – what impact it is going to put on your only child? – is separating after few years help you in anyway considering you will have no companion at that time though he would go to his girlfriend?
You are young, strong-headed and educated. The way your husband has someone else to complete him, I am sure there is someone for you as well. Break the ties with him so that now you can grow emotionally as well. Remember, our happiness never lies in someone’s sorrow. Wish for his good life, and I believe you and your child will then be the happiest from within. It is time to make a choice: your personal happiness or feeling of saddened satisfaction with accomplished revenge. Your life worth more! “
The effect of infidelity on marriages can result from immediate break upto immediate forgiveness. The length of the marriage, emotional closeness, kids as well as the guilty spouse feeling true remorse, all contribute to whether the couple are capable of coming out of the past. Basically speaking, it is not the extra marital relationship which is the couple’s main problem, but it is a Symptom of an unacknowledged breakdown in the foundation of the relationship. Upon discovery of infidelity, the couples are forced to confront their problems, start communication and give the relationship an opportunity to heal.
For reconciliation to work Trust has to be restored over a period of time. The couple must restart to build their relationship by reassuring each other that they are still committed to making their relationship work. The guilty spouse must be truly remorseful, keep his/her promise to not fall back, and not minimize the wrongness of his/her actions. The couple should avoid fighting and recriminations or demeaning words and give space for the rebirth of the relationship. This deed of getting into affair outside one’s marriage should be forgiven by the hurt spouse in order for reconciliation to be lasting.
If the couple decides then a professional help can go to great distances to help rebuild the lost self-esteem of the hurt spouse, help in avoidance of emotional trap of incompetency at maintaining marriage, of being not desirable anymore, inability to move on in life and over the affair.
This is a monster which creep through the slightest of cracks in the relationship but there are signs to watch out for. So if one gets to recognize the danger signs then things can be controlled before getting ugly and homes can be saved from breaking. For that extra boost to ensure fidelity, try these steps:
1. Remind him from time to time why he’s your man. In other words, take the time to make him feel special as if he’s the only one in your life. Tell how handsome he is every now and then.
2. Always create lots of romance and love for your husband. Do not repeat boring sexual routines. Always search to “spice it up”. Always take care of yourself physically, even after pregnancy to look beautiful, sexy and stay in shape. There is no point becoming anorexic, but keeping in shape, happy and sexy is the way to go, even after multiple pregnancies.
3. Validate your man on a daily basis. Whether he works outside of the house or is a stay-at-home Dad, your husband still needs to feel like a man. You know he is, make sure he knows it as well.
4. Appreciate all the things he does for you. It doesn’t matter whether those things are big or small, they are worth, at the least, a thank you.
5. Listen first, and then talk. Let him finish what he has to say before you interrupt. Ask questions if you’re not sure about what he said.
6. Be his biggest supporter!. Men don’t like to admit it, but they need reassurances as well. By showing him that you support him and are there with him through day to day struggles will help to ensure that he doesn’t have a need for someone else to fill that need.
7. Don’t lose your own self respect. Stop blaming him for everything and understand that some things are beyond your or his control.
8. Feed him. Men love when a woman cooks for him like mom does. You don’t have to cook exactly like her but, it’s the action that counts.
9. Hold and Cuddle your man, his day can be just as bad as your day.Remember they are big kids and when they got upset when they were younger, moms held them close.
10. When leaving him alone make sure he has everything needed. Remember you are already dressed and ready to go and he is capable of getting those things. It also shows you care about his needs or wants as well.
By Ruby Khan,
Jaipur Women Blog Journalist