NO TABOO IN RELATIONSHIPS TALKS
- JWB Post
- February 6, 2014
Society teaches us to be much closed on certain topics. It’s usually hard to bring up intimate subjects with those you care about. There’s a lot of risk involved with these conversations. Just because the topic is intimate and the person is someone you love, don’t back down from bringing up the things that are important to you. In the end, you attempt to build sincerity and understanding. When it comes to talking with your spouse about sex, here’s a few things to keep in mind.
- Don’t broach the subject in bed.
Right before or after sex, when you’re so close, is not the best time to examine faults or dissect performance. It’s when we’re at our most vulnerable. Plus, your bedroom, and certainly your bed, should be a sanctuary, not a place to air grievances. Instead, choose a pleasant but neutral place, such as a restaurant that’s romantic enough to be relaxing (and noisy enough for a reasonable amount of privacy!).
Avoid placing blame and attacking.
It’s easy to address this topic with statements like “Why do you always want to…?” Anytime a person feels attacked they’ll respond defensively, it’s part of our survival nature. During personal discussions, take care of yourself. Talk about your experience, your thoughts, your feelings. It increases the chances that you will be heard.
Seek to hear their side of things, be clear on their perspective. This is especially good advice if you have a spouse who’s reluctant to have this conversation.
Fill the conversation with respect
Avoid talking down to your spouse and assuming they know what you’re thinking. Also avoid interrupting them while they’re speaking.
- Look back fondly on the good/hot old days.
Sometimes a shared sense of nostalgia for what the two of you used to do can be enough to lead you down the path of talking about sex openly. You could say, “Remember when we used to spend hours looking into each other’s eyes? I miss that.” Or, “I loved when you used to just grab me from behind; it made me feel so wanted.”
Realize that he doesn’t automatically know how to please you
The bumbling, fumbling man who can’t find his way around the female body may be a cliché, but in some cases, it’s true. But what’s actually more common is that what used to be a surefire pleasure-inducer no longer works, thanks to a changing body (like after having kids) or just shifting preferences as you get older. If you don’t tell him what works (and doesn’t work anymore), how will he know? Think of it as updating a map as new roads—or roadblocks—are put in.
Make “I” statements.
Angle the conversation so it’s about you. You’re telling him, ‘This is not about what you’re doing wrong, but about what I want.” So instead of saying, “You never give me enough foreplay,” say, “I would like more touching and caressing time before we move to the main event.”
Be open to his ideas
It’s one thing to get across your needs and desires, but you also have to listen to where he’s coming from. His preferences may have changed, too, and you need to meet him halfway. Brainstorm better times for sex, or ways you can juggle your schedules. You could also browse for books on improving your sex life.
Remember that this isn’t a one-time conversation
Talking about your sex life isn’t something you tick off a list once in a lifetime; it’s an ongoing discussion. Some couples make a regular date to check in with each other on all sorts of things, from financial plans to their children’s activities. Why not also set aside time to do a health check on your sex life?