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Ayushi Agarwal

JWB Blogger

#SheSays: I Am A Lesbian, About To Get Married To A Man

  • JWB Post
  •  November 7, 2015

 

This is the story of a woman who is sexually attracted to women, but her family wants her to get married to a man. Has the time to come out of the closet finally arrived?  JWB’s latest section, “Censored“, features real women narrating real stories. Stories, which are usually censored by the society are being given a platform where there is absolutely no room for judgement or condemnation. Women can open up about their personal issues, reach epiphanies, inspire women all around the world, and seek expert advice. Read on, and get your dosage of empowerment.

#SheSays:

Living in the closet is not fun. I am 23 years old, and it has been my home for nearly 9 years.

I belong to an ultra-traditional, conservative, affluent family, which at times also deals in hypocrisy. The girls of the family are considered as nothing more than baby manufacturing units, who are born to get married to some stuck-up, well-to-do weirdo and fill his home with happiness, prosperity and all that shitty jazz. The boys are pushed to run wild in the world, and excel in all walks of life. Isn’t this the true personification of male chauvinism?

My family leaves no stone un-turned when it comes to providing the best of education to their daughters, as long as it is within the city limits. The girls were always supposed to stay away from other boys, since the family’s main source of recreation  is finding perfect grooms of their choice. The concept of love is considered as a dreadful plague, which might tear the family apart and poison relationships. Yes, they’re a bit dramatic.

Hence, I did my schooling from a very reputed girl’s school, and then my college years were spent in a girl’s college, too. Somewhere between changing clothes in front of each other, and discovering all the things that made us girls alike, I slowly started getting attracted to these beautiful carriers of the XX chromosomes.

I was in the 10th grade, when a strange need for touching my best friend’s lady-parts erupted inside me. Initially I branded this need as a random curiosity which would get extinguished by the passing hour. But, this need kept on escalating, and I kept on ignoring it. After all, I was a girl, who was only supposed to be touched by a man. After marriage.

I could not bring myself to accept the fact that I was a lesbian, but I knew I wanted  to get intimate with a girl. One time, I went over to a friend’s house and we ended up watching porn on her laptop. It was lesbian porn. My hormones started going crazy, and I guess so did hers. She asked me if I wanted to experiment with my sexuality, and I felt like I just won the lottery! We ended up making out on her bed, and I knew for a fact that I was a lesbian. I was blissfully happy and scandalized at the same time.

I started thinking that maybe I was a bi-sexual, since I couldn’t rule out the possibility of being somewhat attracted to men. I snuck out one night to a friend’s party and made out with a guy. I felt nothing.  Zilch.

I have been secretly dating a girl for nearly a year now, but my family has already zeroed-in on a prospective groom. How will I spend my life with a person I have no feelings for? A person I am not attracted to. A person I don’t want to have sex with.  A person who wouldn’t be able to make me happy.

Coming out of the closet is my worst nightmare because I know my family would never understand. Should I accept my fate, and go ahead with the marriage to live a miserable life or risk getting condemned by my parents?

Is this a punishment for going against nature, and being attracted to the same sex?

Expert Says:

saatish2JWB invited Dr. Saatiish Jhuntrraa, a reputed sexologist from the Vivan Hospital for Sexual Health, Jaipur for an expert advice:

Homosexuality has still not been accepted whole-heartedly by the Indian Society. It is going to be extremely hard for your parents to accept and understand your sexual orientation. However, the concept of sexual orientation is not abstract in nature. Meaning, that most individuals are bi-sexual, who might get attracted to the opposite sex too. Sexuality is fluid. Take your time, and explore your sexuality before coming out of the closet and confronting your parents. There might be some kind of men that you would like to be sexually involved with, and you might find a guy which you would like to get married to. It would be better if you tell your parents that you do not want to get married just yet, and try to find your sexual identity.

However, if your parents are unwilling to wait, you have be mentally strong and open up to them. You are their child, after all. You, along with your parents can go in for psychotherapy sessions where it would be easier for all of you to express yourselves in the best possible manner, in the presence of a mediator. It would help your parents to accept the truth, and support you in all of your decisions.

The road leading up to acceptance is long and rocky, with innumerable potholes. But, remember, the view from the distance will be a great one.”

Have a story to share? Write to us at contactjaipurwomenblog@gmail.com. We will do everything to protect your identity.

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