Do you think I was born Ms. Fatasstic? Naahhh!

Here’s a flashback of my life. Let’s rewind and go back seven years.

I hated myself and avoided the mirror all the time. I despised the way my body looked and cursed it every day. Name any totke and methods of losing weight and I had tried them all. Different diets, all sorts of exercise, running, jogging, Honey and lemon water in the morning, hot water after every meal, etc., etc., etc.

I was obsessed with losing weight. I weighed myself every day, and I cannot express the fear of climbing up on the scale. I dreamt each day of how good I would feel when I became “slim.” I was too scared to eat, too scared to miss a workout, too scared to measure my weight. Basically, I was just too afraid to live life. Finally, I lost 10kgs in about nine months.

Was I happy? Yes, I was in an illusion of being happy. I was trapped. I was the victim and the attacker both. I wanted to lose more. I became paranoid. I started looking at food as nothing more than a plateful of calories. I would take out my old clothes and tried to fit in them. I would stand naked in front of the mirror and rather than being happy about how much I had lost; I saw saggy arms, flabby back, love handles, etc. I dreaded Sundays because it meant no Gym and mostly dine-out plans with family or friends. I scrolled through magazines and looked at the models and thought, ‘my next step is to be that thin.’ Whenever people would compliment me on how good I looked after shedding off those “kilos”, I would just reply, “There’s still more work to be done.” My life revolved around my weight.

Basically, I was fighting with myself, my temptations and my life. Not for a minute did I enjoy my “slim” days.  I was always hungry, tensed, and seeking for acceptance and assurance that I was “thin.” The result: my body and mind conspired against me and waged a “war”. They refused to listen to me and caved in the temptations of food and living life, the natural way. My workout sessions weren’t yielding any results. After being stuck for a while, the kilos I had painfully shed started catching up to me. However, I didn’t give up and tried even harder. I changed my workouts, eating patterns, and what not.

“Unfortunately,” nothing helped.

After a while, I gave up this fight with myself. Slowly, I realized how many things I had been missing due to my phobia. I started letting go of my worries and started enjoying my meals. I was no longer trying to fit in S or XS clothes. I would happily attend family dinners and hung out with friends and ate as much as I want. I didn’t give up on my workouts because I enjoyed exercising and not because I wanted to lose weight. (Yes, I exercise now also, and yes, “fat” people also exercise).

One day, I was at a party and an aunty came by and said,

“Beta, kya ho gaya tumhe? Tum toh itni patli ho gayi thi wapas kaise fool gayi.”

I cried that whole night and many more consecutive nights. All negative thoughts clouded my mind, and I became too depressed. One night, I sat down and wrote a letter to myself. This letter was the turning point for me.

Today, I am sharing this letter with you all so you all can understand that we are beautiful the way we are.

Dearest Grumpy Me,

I have been with you from the first breath of your life. I have seen you taking those little steps and doing all the naughty things. Remember the time you screamed for the second ice-cream and the second serving of mango. Remember how you loved Mishri ka mawa and Gulab Jamun. (You squeezed two of them in your mouth.)

Don’t give up on things that you love. The gift of life is the most thing and don’t waste it worrying how much you weigh. I know you have been conditioned all your life that ‘Slim is beautiful,’ ‘Thin is healthy.’ But now, you see the truth. Size is no measure of beauty or fitness. I know it’s a difficult path but walk on it with me.

 I know that you’ll be tempted to weigh yourself each day. I promise I’ll help you get over that addiction. I know sometimes you’ll be depressed because of the ill comments of the people, I promise that it won’t matter for long if you just stay strong. I know that you’ll still count calories on your plate, and I’ll be there to assure you that it’s no crime to hog on your favorite little things. At the end, when you look back on the journey of your life, the only things that’ll matter will be the memories you made. And, I vow that I’ll help you live your life to the fullest and without regrets.

So know that you are beautiful. Every inch of you is beautiful. Don’t feel guilty for gorging on those gulab jamuns. You are the prettiest when you are carefree. Don’t try to adjust in clothes that don’t fit. You are most charming when you are comfortable. Don’t sweat to change your body from outside. You are the healthiest when you are happy. Be happy and stay beautiful. Most importantly, stay who you are.

Full of Love,

Fatasstic Me

This letter changed how I looked at myself and my life.

May this message inspire you to love what you have and see the triviality of the subject of how much we weigh and the enormity of the fact that beauty lies in the happiness of being and nothing else.

Fatasstic Tip:

Self-love is the first step towards body acceptance and positivity. So, write a letter addressed to you, expressing what all you love about yourself.