After being fed-up with the matrimonial sites and running out of friends who had bachelor sons, this time, he had gone to visit a family astrologer to seek advice.

Ice-cream Time (Read: New Date Announcement time)

When papa came in the evening, he was happy. And, I knew that at the dinner table, I would be summoned to meet a new boy, yet again.

I switched on the TV when we sat to eat, hoping it would distract my dad. And, surprisingly, it worked. Yay! I was retiring to my room after dinner when mum said,

“Beta, papa keh rahe hai ki kahi ice-cream khake ate hai.”

And I thought, “Good try distracting there. Slow clap for me.”

We went to Jal Mahal Ice-cream parlor, ate the ice-cream, and then went on to eat paan. I wondered why he wasn’t talking about the new guy, the new date. Anxiously, stupid I blurted out,

“Papa bas ab bata bhi do kaun hai. I know you have got a new suitor.”

Mummy gave me a cold look and said, “Humare jamane me sharma ke bhaag jate they shaadi ki baat hote hi. Aur ajkal ke baccho ko dekho, khud hi puchti hai ki ladka batao.”

Papa interrupted her and replied, “Tum bhi na… acchi baat hai ki bacche open hai.”

He added,

“Beta, you are right. The astrologer has suggested me a boy but this time, I will meet him to decide if he’s worthy enough to meet my little girl.”

I went Awwwww…

Papa Returns from his ‘date’ with the boy

“Ajji sunti ho, idhar aao.” As soon as I heard his footsteps, I rushed outside and joined in.

He started.

“So his name is Akshay Rana. He is working under his father who is in real estate…..” etc.etc.etc.

But then he looked straight into my eyes and said,

“Look beta, everything else is fine. There’s only one problem. He left his bachelors degree in between to join the business. If you ask me, it’s not a big issue. But it’s your decision. Take your time and decide.”

After awkward silence of a few minutes and continuous glare from my mum, I said,

“If you like him, I’ll give it a try.”

My dad almost jumped from his chair in excitement and hugged me,

“I knew it beta, and that’s why I already gave your number to him.”

Grrrr….. I felt betrayed.

I went back to my room and slammed the door shut.

Phone Beeped (Many times)

I plugged in my earplugs and lay on the bed trying to remove negative thoughts with music.

My phone beeped.

Ignored

Beeped Again.

Ignored

Another Beep.

Ufffff….

I unlocked and saw WhatsApp messages from an unknown number.

It read, “Hii… Akshay here. Your DP is beautiful.”

I regretted reading it. Because I knew I had to reply to Mr. Akshay Rana (Read: AkshayRana). Stupid Whatsapp blue ticks.

Me: Hi Akshay… Thank you.

Akshay: *lots of smileys* Pleasure is all mine. Your father is a wonderful man and you, a pretty girl.

Me: Thank you.

Akshay: Are you free tomorrow? I am going to Delhi Road to see a land. Join me. It’s a good long drive, and we can stop by CCD on our way?

“Errrrr… What should I reply?” I wondered.

Akshay: I am not superstitious, BTW. HAHHAHHA. *smileys*

I was even more furious with papa. Why the hell did he have to tell him about Kabir! I looked at his DP. He looked decent. I replied, “Cool.”

Akshay: Can I say something?

Me: Yeah, go ahead.

Akshay: When I saw your DP I loved it so much that I wrote a short poem for you.

Whhhhhaaattt??????

And before I could reply, he sent me the poem.

Akshay: Mujh par yu jaadu kia hai tumhare chehre ne,

Nazre ab meri hat ti nahi hai laakh hatane se.

Har taraf bas tumko hu dekhta,

Kaisa hai yeh nasha bayan nahi kar sakta.

Eeeeeeeeeeee……….. What was that!

I scratched my head and wondered what to reply.

Me: Akshay, what is all this about? I mean, what you have written is good, but why? We haven’t even met.

Akshay: I know. Still. I can feel the connection.

Me: Hmm…

Akshay: Is it just good? You know my friends call me a Shayar. Woh sab apni gfs ke liye mujhse hi shayari aur poems likwate hai.

I couldn’t stop giggling.

Me: Shayar. Ustaad Akshay Rana. HAHHAAHA

Akshay: HEHEHE

After a few minutes of chat, I bid him goodnight and promised to meet the next day.

Date Day Morning

I woke up to three more poems or shayari from him.

Shayari 1

Tum so chuki ho yeh mai janta hu,

Par khud ke dil ko kaise behlau,

Yeh pagla dil tumhari hi yaad me khoya hai,

Batao mujhe yeh pyaar ki dastak nahi toh kya hai.

Shayari 2

Ek,do, teen,

Bas ghante gin rah hu,

Chaar paanch cheh,

Ab tare bhi gin chukka hu,

Bas intezaar hai uss pal ka,

Jab tumse rubaru hoga,

Kitna hassen pal hoga,

Kitna rangeen mausam hoga.

Haaye ab raha nahi jaa raha tumhare bin,

Katega kaise itna lamba din.

Shayari 3

Roses are red,

Because of you,

Violets are blue,

Just for you.

I am dying to meet

You, You, You.

Good morning angel.

“WTF” was the only thing that came to my mind. I hurried to the kitchen and showed them to my mom.

Mom: Haaye, kitni sundar shayari likhi hai. Tumhare papa ne toh kabhi ek line bhi nahi likhi mere liye.

Me: Mummy, hum mile bhi nahi hai. Kitna weird hai yeh ladka. Mujhe nahi milna.

Mom: Beta aisi kya harkat kardi “weird” wali. Balki isse toh ladka romantic lag raha hai. Khush naseeb samjho.

Me (sarcastically): Ab kya hua bacchoo ki sharam ko? Ha?

Mummy: Ha toh jaise tum waise hume banna hi padega tumhe samjhane ke liye. Ab kaam karne do. Aur tumhara suit press kar dia hai yellow wala.

I knew it was useless to argue.

Date time

He came to pick me up, and as soon as I sat in the car, I said,

“What’s up with all the shayaris?”

He sulked and said, “Why? You didn’t like them?”

Me: They were great. But, why?

Akshay: Because I am in love with you.

Me: But, we don’t even know each other.

Akshay: The moment I saw you, I knew we were meant to be.

Me: You are creeping me out, Akshay.

Akshay: I am so sorry. I know you think we don’t know each other. So, ask me whatever you want. Okay?

And I relaxed a bit. We talked about different things and he appeared nice. We reached the property he wanted to check out. On our return, as discussed, we stopped by CCD.

It was getting late, so we decide to pick up some snacks instead. While our order was being packed, he was staring at me, rather uncomfortably.

I chose to ignore it.

Back in the car, he said,

“Now you know me and you know I am a great shayar *winked*. So, here’s an instant shayari just for you, babes.”

I was shocked. What did he just call me? “Babes”?

I kept quiet the whole time to show my displeasure. However, as we reached my place, he grabbed my hand and tried to kiss me.

I jerked him off and freed my hand. Of course, I lost my entire cool by then.

“What the hell were you trying to do, Akshay?”

“I am sorry. Did I hurt you?”

“Stop this nonsense. Stop behaving like this.”

Angrily, I opened the gate and rushed inside and heard him yelling behind,

“Please Drop Pati. I am sorry. Please, I beg, give me one last chance. Please don’t get angry.”

Mom and dad were seated at the dinner table (waiting for me to come), but I stormed past them and locked my room so that they wouldn’t enter.

My phone was incessantly beeping. I knew it was that fool.

And if that beeping sound wasn’t enough, mom was knocking on the door continuously, asking me why I had locked myself in.

Urrrgghhhh…!!!

I took my phone to give that stupid moron a piece of mind. But…..

More Shayaris……. (Dirty ones too! What the hell?)

My phone was filled with his senseless and disgusting Shayaris. They went from worse to dirtier, and I couldn’t imagine spending one whole-fucking-day with that asshole.

I didn’t know when tears came rolling down my eyes. I opened the door, and as predicted, mom and dad were standing right in front of me waiting.

“Lijiye mumma *handed my phone*, dekhiye kitna romantic hai yeh ladka.”

“Khafa mat ho jaaneman, mai hi hu tumhara saccha sanam…… Yeh kya hai, beta.”

I smirked, snatched the phone and gave it to dad,

“Papa aap bhi padhiye. Dekhiye toh sahi kisse shaadi karana chah rahe they.”

Papa was too embarrassed. He called and reprimanded him.

“Aaj ke baad kabhi phone ya message mat karna meri beti ko.”

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the end.

He kept sending me messages, filthy texts and poems. I didn’t feel like replying to him. I had blocked his number, but he continued through other numbers. This went on for next 2-3 days. Until one day…

The Last Shayari

He dared sending me a dirty text. This time, I decided to teach him a lesson. It’s pay back time. With a Shayari, of course.

“Kameene hain aap,

Kameene Hi Rahege.

Band bajaayein hum,

ya karne de Police ko aapki aisi ki taisi?”

After a few hours of reporting it to the police, I got a message from him,

“I am sorry. Wapas kabhi kisi ladki ko tang nahi karuga. Report wapas le lo please.”

Kehte hai na kuch bure me bhi achhai chuppi hoti hai, so, after the AkshayRana episode, Dad’s inner poet had awakened, and my mum was the happiest.

“Ek aur sunao na ji.”

“Ek kya do sun lo,

bas har janam mujh hi ko chun lo.

Tumhe dil se hu chahta,

par ab bhukh lag aayi hai bahut zyada.”

And, we all cracked up on that.