My soul shouted to me every night,

A small voice fought with me with all its might.

It begged

And yelled,

‘Please don’t trap me inside,

I am the true you’,

It cried.

I tried to kill that voice,

Not once but a million times,

It haunted me,

Every day, every night.

Then I decided to bring in light,

What I truly felt,

Was my birth right?

The battle inside was won,

But the hardships had just begun.

I fought with family, friends,

And the world.

In the end,

I had to lose,

All that surrounded me,

But what I gained was

The Real me.

Finally, I realized my life-long wish,

And, I named her

 Khwaish.

This is the story of Khwaish Parihar. People call her a transgender. But to me, Khwaish is a beautiful girl, who had to struggle and fight for years to gain her true identity.

Born as a boy, Khwaish always knew she had a soul of a girl. The journey of accepting her true existence to finally becoming one and everything in between will tear your heart and will force you to re-think your ideologies and concepts of the right and the wrong.

Here’s her story in her words:

At the age of 12: I used to dress up as a girl and took part in fancy dress competitions and annual functions, etc., as a girl. My mannerisms were always feminine. Initially, parents thought I would be fine as I aged. However, they started correcting me when I was in 6^th standard. I have two elder brothers, and they had many friends. Whenever they came home, they bullied me and teased me. My parents and brothers objected and said, “Stop this nonsense, humari badnami ho rahi hai tumhari wajah se.” Initially, I cursed myself that why I was not like other boys. I explained my parents, but they refused to understand. They said that we belonged to a Rajput family, and all of this was not acceptable. I was fighting a battle with myself and my family.

Soon, I realized that I might have had a body of a boy, but my soul was that of a woman. I had made peace with myself.

Class 9^th, I was 15-16 years old: I had a boyfriend then, and when my brother got to know about it, he beat me and yelled at me. Everyone stopped talking to me. I was consumed with guilt. I said to myself, “Satyajeet, no one will understand you. You have to change. Behave like a man.”

That’s when I cut my hair too short and acted (tried) like a typical boy. Those were the worst ten days of my life. I never felt so trapped before. And, it only solicited my intention of not succumbing to the pressure and revealing my identity. I confronted my parents and explained to them that I was a girl inside who had been mistakenly given a man’s body. Of course, they didn’t understand. They grounded me and restricted my visits to school and tuition.

After 10^th boards, Year 2007: One day, I wrote a letter addressing every family member, affirming that I couldn’t continue living like this and would get my sex changed. I had seen on Discovery channel about the surgery, and I was confident I wanted it.

Later, in May, I came to Jaipur and stayed at my Bua’s place for few days, until my parents summoned her to send me back. I left bua’s home saying I was going to Jodhpur, but I never went back. I had cut all ties with my parents. I stayed at the railway station for a month. I was sitting on a bench beside a man. After a while, we started talking, and he advised me to work at a beauty parlor. I went to the recommended salon and was luckily appointed. I am very grateful to them. They used to give me Rs.50 each day apart from the stipend for my meals. I remember I used to walk from my parlor to the station and ate a 25 rupees meal and saved the rest.

 The year 2009: My hair was grown. I took up a room and saved some money. Basically, I had been surviving. I attended a gay party where I made many links, and a friend there suggested me to undergo laser surgery for facial hair removal. When I approached that salon, I realized that I didn’t have enough money. But, they appointed me as a worker and alongside did my laser treatment. So, now I didn’t grow beard or mustache, and my hair was long, I was a step closer to my dream. Around this time, my mother also started talking to me. She understood my feelings. But, my father and brothers were still rigid.

The year 2010-2011: I was selected from Jaipur for the competition Super Indian Queens organized by the famous Laxmi Tripathi. I qualified for the semi-finals.

That’s when in 2011, I moved to Mumbai and my life changed. I started doing shows and performed at functions. A late friend of mine took me to numerous doctors, psychiatrists, and surgeons considering my sex-change operation. I had passed all the lengthy psychiatrist tests. The next stage was hormones treatment for which I went to Delhi because I wasn’t sure of the surgeon I met in Mumbai. My hormones treatment was completed in around ten months. Only the final stage of surgery was remaining.

As I mentioned, I had been saving money for my treatment and surgery since the first day I started earning. But, the sex change surgery is very expensive. I was one lakh short of the needed cash. I had selected my Birthday, i.e. 17^th December, to be the day of surgery so that it could mark the beginning of my second life, but the date I got was 18^th. The doctor informed that it was imperative for my parents to be present for the surgery. I was taken aback. I talked to my mother and explained the situation. She promised me she would come, and she sent me one lakh too. And, she made an excuse at home and came.

The day of the surgery arrived. It was an eight-hour long operation. And, the moment I opened my eyes I asked where’s  Maa. She came and held my hands. It felt, ‘bas ab sab mil gaya.’ My happiness knew no boundaries. Finally, I was liberated.

Though there were many complications after the surgery too, I knew I would overcome everything and I did.

Now, my parents are with me, I tie Rakhi to my brothers, and my relatives invite me specially to all get-togethers, parties, and functions. It was a long battle, but it was worth it.

Wow!

After she had finished talking, she looked at me and said,

“Yeh hai meri kahani. Ab aapko kuch puchna hai aur, toh go ahead.”

I had gooseflesh and nearly choked. Words failed to come out. I took few minutes and regained my composure.

I said,

“What I am feeling right now is inexpressible. Let’s lighten up the aura a bit or I ‘ll cry.”

And, so we did a rapid fire question session.

Me: Why the name Khwaish?

Khwaish: Funny story. *laughs* I had seen a parlor named Khwaish before I changed and told my friends that this would be my name when I become a girl.

Me: What is Khwaish’s favorite color?

Khwaish: Like most other girls, Pink.

Me: What are your aspirations for your career?

Khwaish: I have worked with Balaji Telefilms as an actress. I also appeared in one of the Savdhan India episodes. Though I have also been selected for the ground staff of Airlines, I am focusing on my acting career as of now. I have signed as a lead of a Marwari movie. I am also a member of the political party, Republican Party of India.

Me: Your relationship status?

Khwaish: I have had an awful experience on this front. My last boyfriend has cheated me. To be honest, most people out there take advantage of people like me. But, I am in a happy space right now as I have my parents with me.

Me: Where do you see yourself after ten years?

Khwaish: I’ll have a flat in Mumbai and Jaipur with a Range Rover and an Audi parked outside. And, I’ll be staying there with my family.

Me: What do you want to convey to people?

Khwaish: Zindagi bahut choti hai, isko Khul ke Jiyo. And to the parents and society, I would like to say that please understand that every person is different. Don’t mock them or tease them for their uniqueness. Embrace and support them.

The fearless spirit of Khwaish led her to realize her true identity. Her patience and courage are commendable. Khwaish’s story is not hers alone. It’s a story of every person who has been misunderstood, undermined and rejected by the society for being “different”. As a society, we have to change and stop looking at people differently. She may be “categorized” as a transgender woman, but it’s important to realize that she is a human.

Let this inspire all of us to change our thinking and false ideologies that are sucking up humanity from the humans on the grounds of sex, religion, caste, or anything else.