Papa: Aji sunti ho! (That’s my mother) Himmat dekhni chahiye thi aapko uss munde ki! Gadha Grewal, meri beti ke saath whips aur cuffs ki baatein krra tha!

Half of papa’s dialogue was eclipsed by the sound of my hysterical laughter that just wouldn’t stop when he was describing the ‘literary’ freak I met at date number 3.

Mrs. Pati: Hain? Gale mein kharaash thi toh whipped cream kyun maang raha tha vo?

Hearing my mother’s response, I almost fell ON the floor laughing. Apparently, she heard cuffs as ‘coughs’, and whips as ‘whipped’. Yeah well, I have a funny pair of parents.

Papa: *Facepalmed* I am going to whip the butts of these matrimonial sites. No background check, no authenticity-checks! Any person can just put up anything on their profile. I am done with them for forever.

*Happy-Dancing * “Does that mean you’re also done with setting me up on dates?”

Papa heaved a sigh. But just then, the telephone rang. And mum screeched from the other room calling out for him, telling him it was his childhood school friend Mr. Sekseria on the phone.

Sekseria? I chuckled! Phew! There’s someone in the world with an even worse surname than mine. I am beginning to wonder the kind of jokes the children of the family must have grown up with!

In went a saddened man, and after a good half an hour long conversation, out came an excited father. (His expressions were such that it seemed he had found God!) Something was up. And my gut feeling suspected this ‘something’ was about me.

Just when I got up to make a sly escape to my abode, Dad looked at me (Damn you gut feeling! Can’t you be wrong sometimes!?), and announced:

Papa: “I am convinced! It is not just me! It is the universe conspiring to ‘arrange’ your marriage. Abhi just when I was about to take a break from groom-hunting, came the prospect of Mr. Sekseria’s son Vishnu. He’s a nice and sincere chap.  I have given him your number and he’s going to take you out for an evening date tomorrow.”

You. Have. Got-To- Be. Kidding. Me. Universe. Are you making fun of my life just because I made fun of their surname!?! 

I silently trod towards my room, trying not to be appalled at the idea of meeting this new guy. I mean who knows, just like today’s date, I might draw a good laughter, if not a good husband, out of the whole meeting. However, I still cringed at the thought of becoming Mrs. Sekseria. Grrrr!

Next Morning 7:30 am

*With barely a quarter of my eyes opened* “Papa! Why are you hovering over me? It’s not my birthday today!”

Papa: *Weirdly glaring at my phone* Umm, I was just passing by your door. So, I thought I’d come and tell you about this new update to Candy Crush Jelly Saga.

Seriously? You came to disturb my morning sleep for a game that I despise?
Papa, I need to get ready. Bye.

After bolting the door, I checked my phone. And there it was! The supposed Candy Crush update my dad was talking about.

The Mail

From:

To:

Subject: Hello beautiful!

Hi! I am Vishnu. I spoke to your dad yesterday. Would you like to go out with me for a walk today in the evening?

Okay so, he hasn’t seen me, but he knows that I’m beautiful? Is he God, or is he just a cheesy flirt! I don’t know about that, but he certainly is eco-friendly! Who goes for a WALK on the first date!?

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

From:

To:

Subject: What’s with the walking?

Hello. Well, since my dad gave you my contact, it doesn’t really seem that I have any choice in the matter. What time should I expect you to drop by?

I hit send and got up to brush my teeth. Just as I was tying my unkempt curly hair in a bun, an idea of mischief struck me. This Vishnu guy presupposes me to be beautiful. Haan? Let’s give him a shock of a lifetime.

My phone pinged and pulled me out of my mischievous reverie. Here was a mail from Vishnu, and I was a bit taken aback on reading the subject…

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

From:

To:

Subject: I do not have a car…

… And I thought it’d be nicer to explore the city by our good’ol feet than by bike. Shall I come to you at 6:30 in the evening?

Hah! Jaishree aunty is so not going to be happy about this! Honestly, this is a hard pill to swallow.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Date

I am all set and least excited for this date. I’ve thoroughly oiled my hair, tied them in a bun, and I’m wearing the oldie top I planned to wear on Holi. Oh, and I have also refrained from my regular cosmetic bros: Eye-liner, Blush, and Lipstick.

“Pardon me for being late. It took me some time figuring out the way,” spoke Vishnu breathlessly while staring at me and smiling sweetly.

Apparently, this guy has run a marathon for me and is admiring my absolutely unkempt disposition. Should I be flattered? Mogambo-khush-hua much?

“What’s that black mark on your forehead? Are you secretly a kung-fu panda?”

“Maybe,” he chuckled. “It must have happened at the factory I work at.”

I stopped in my steps and looked at him. And he kept walking and talking.

“I work as the Operations Supervisor at an automobile factory. What do you do?”

“I go on dates! – Courtesy of the promise I once made to my father. Thanks to my ex-boyfriend for being a jerk!”

“Woah! From your tone of talking it seems that you are determined to reject each one of these guys,” said Vishnu while slurping and sipping the barf ka gola.

Oh, did I mention that Mr. Sekseria took me to Aunty’s café for a pav-bhaji and barf ka gola treat?

“Well, let’s just say up till now all of them gave me good enough reasons to flee,” I said between mouthfuls of pav and bhaji and bhaji and pav.

“So have you found any reason so far in this date?”

“You don’t have a car!” I said and regretted it instantly. My brain-to-mouth filter fails most often at the most inappropriate times. *Facepalm*

Silence prevailed

It was the longest silence and it was a painful one. While yesterday with Mr. Sexpeare’s fan, I longed for silence, today with Mr. Sekseria, I despised it.

“I am saving up for it. How about a yellow Nano?”

Lord tell me! And tell me now, is he joking or is he serious?

“This color?” he pointed towards a yellow rose that he took out from his pocket, and laughed!

Thank heavens he was kidding!

“This is for you,” he handed over the rose to me while bidding goodbye.

Back in my room, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He is the first decent, funny, and courteous guy I have met in all these days of going on dates. But can I really get over the fact that he has a meager income and not-so-affluent life?

I could have refrained from my Mac lipstick and Chambor kajal for a day. But how will I do without them if I didn’t have the means to buy them?  

I wrote a mail to him, and got together all my courage to decline his proposal.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

From:

To:

Subject: Thank you for the rose

You’re a wonderful guy Vishnu, but I don’t think things will work out between us. I have certain expectations from my future husband, for my life, for my dreams. And I’m sure you too must be having certain expectations from your future wife.

We’re not meant to be, maybe.

Take care.

I hit send.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Oops moment!

Apparently, there was ALREADY a mail from him in my mailbox, BEFORE I sent him my denial.

From:

To:

Subject: I am bewitched!

I do not know about how the date was for you, but it was a walk to remember for me. Your quality of being so honestly yourself has put me in awe of you. And that is the only thing I’d ever expect from you – being yourself.

Now, I am aware that I am currently not in a position to fulfill your desires. (Btw, I’m not buying a Nano. I was kidding.) But, I’d do everything in my might to rise, and you’d help me with your affection, won’t you?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

I read his mail, and I didn’t realize that a few teardrops had pooled in my eyes. Papa always keeps looking for rich guys for me, and I have often loathed this practice.

But today, I realized, that this consideration prejudices even my mind. So much so, that I lost a genuine caring and loving guy who could have been my husband.

I drifted into sleep with the thoughts of going for romantic walking dates, hogging on street food, and becoming Mrs. Sekseria… all of this with the sweet smell of the yellow rose that I held in my hands, lingering.