Why I Share A Love-Hate Relation With The Typical Big Fat Indian Wedding

Wednesday, September 14 2016, 05:24:42

Komal Panwar

Blogger

Why I Share A Love-Hate Relation With The Typical Big Fat Indian Wedding

JWB Post

March 4, 2016

I’m twenty-four, and irrelevant people are already worried about me getting married. My FB wall is suddenly seeing a torrent of wedding pictures of friends, family, and acquaintances. While there’s nothing wrong with it, I don’t understand what has anyone got to do with it?!

I mean, apart from dancing, eating good food, and dressing up, where’s the catch?

Hey, don’t get me wrong. I love the typical Big Fat Indian Wedding. Yeah, the same that has, at least, `one naraaz bhabhi, an indifferent jijaji, a hooligan cousin, and a group that sits in the corner to bitch about the bride’s parents.

There are those who secretly wish that the wedding falls apart. No, not the exes, not the vengeful relatives, it’s the third kind. The ones who warned you not to eat Maggi noodles in a kadhai, or your wedding will flood with Maggi-ish rain, those who had found just the perfect groom for you who was also of your caste, your kundlis had 32 matching gunas, then how could you marry the self-appraising Brahmin?

No wonder there’s no butter chicken at your wedding, they say while slurping the hing tadka dal from the Rs. 1200 ki plate.

While your parents are humbly folding their hands in gratitude in front of everyone who they otherwise loathe, the guests are openly talking about either of the two things:

“Itna paisa kahaan se aa gaya in logo ke paas, ki itni bhadiya shaadi kar li?”

“Ek hi, toh beti hai, uski shaadi me bhi paisa nahi lagaya. Tch. Tch. Tch.”

Your wedding will be the ongoing topic for months. There will be debates about which of the two is uglier, either you’ll be called too fat for him, or a girl with no taste in men.

If, god forbid, you’ve married below your caste, prepare yourselves for the bashing.

Then again, this is probably why they are so excited to get me married! There’ll be a juicy chunk to discuss for the rest of the month! As much as I’d like to get a Big Fat Indian wedding, with all the adornments, where I’ll be put on a pedestal, there will be those throwing rotten tomatoes at me, but thank god, because they’ll match my red lehenga.

My groom, aloof from the inside gossips about him, will be happy as a clam, and I’ll grin at the aunty whose daughter called me a bitch for not returning her ballet costume after the school annual function we both participated in.

Clearly, she’s not attending my wedding because she had a massive crush on Mr. Husband.

Guess that’s Karma.

Shh, it will all be over, don’t worry! When I get back to the hotel, I’m pretty sure we’ll find a honeymoon pack of condoms, and none of the above details, except the ones involving the nearest ones will matter.